a streamline of endless thoughts and emotions..

You know those nighs, those endless nights... those nights, that you just lay there thinking.. wow i have so many things on my mind.. and then you realize, this is useless, why am I laying here, thinking of all these things when I can write these things down.. lol. You know I realized how strange my thoughts may be at times, the way I talk and think hahah it's all narrated quite frankly, and I find it quite interesting ahha.. but yes..

There has been issues, incidents and just plain events in my life that have been occuring and everchanging, there are just so many things. And I can't help but NOT sleep at night... maybe cause I'm used to it, maybe because I have an inevitable, never ending, frustrating, irritating cough! lol. But none the less there are these thoughts, that eat at you, entice you, tempt you, and keep you awake, awake into the wee hours of the morning... the thoughts that keep you guessing.. the thoughts that tell you. Oh my goodness, I should just stay up and do something... Lately I've been feeling lazy, or maybe it's uninspired, or something.. I feel limited, closed in, locked in within my own emotional and mental boundaries, it's truly ridiculous the holds I put on my life..

Haaa and it's interesting cause I wonder, how is it that others can live so carelessly, carefree, live without conscience, like a psycho path i'd say hahha.. quote un quote from HOUSE md. How can once just do something not giving a damn what others think, or be soo fricken selfish, to hurt someone willingly for their own good and knowing they're hurting someone else and then, have the damn guts to LOVE THEIR LIFE. Criminal! Dirtbag! Psychopath. You love your life, but i hope it eats you up inside! Your carelessness, your disregard for other's feelings, your empty empty soul and need for mere temporary fix and satisfaction. You sicken me, truly you do. Your actions and behavior keep me up at night... sadly. Because I worry too much for the heart and hurt of others, other much more willing and deserving, those who have fallen victim to this wreckless thing we call love and commitment.... and in dire desperation to find meaning in a relationship with another human being who actually accepts and understands us, only to realize that it was temporary.

And many wonder why we WOMEN are so difficult.. and why the GIRLS are soo much more easier... sexually, mentally and emotionally.. why cause these GIRLS, lack experience, these GIRLS have NO EXPECTATIONS, these GIRLS have NO HOPE.. .they are just TEMPORARY, and for you guys who choose these unforsaken, shameless beings, then you are to discover, yes DISCOVER that you will be left HIGH and DRY, cause none the less these GIRLS will do exactly the same to you.... they will grow BORED, they will yearn for someone else, desire something much more appealing to their taste of the moment, to fufill their quick fix of the moment, and you will be their YESTERDAY... so ENJOY while you can.. because sadly, this will grow to be one of your deepest REGRETS. Too many times, I've realized that these guys, try soo hard not to latch on and commit, because they're too afraid at the moment, and then realize, GIRL after GIRL later, that they had missed upon the real RELATIONSHIP that was IT. The real RELATIONSHIP that was worth it, THE ONE, that KNEW YOU THE BEST... cause why... you were afraid, you didn't wan to commit to one person, you didn't want to be HELD DOWN! or Nagged, but now... NOW you yearn for commitment, you yearn for that feeling of NEED, of someone who will willingly and lovingly LOVE YOU, COMMIT TO YOU, and UNCONDITIONALLY Accept you, and be by your side till the end of time...

cause now, it is done.

You know I find it quite sad, that it takes a lifetime of regret and a fist full of bull shit to see through the issues that lie within, to what actually makes a real relationship work....

wow that turned out to be something totally and over zealously new and different off subject lol.. .

Christian Creed

My heart yearns and my heart cries,
for the broken hearts that lay to tonight.
I feel your pain, I share your grief,
the fear that their love is ready to leave.

What hurts the most, i've shared before,
the cheating memories, the battle, the war..
that lay within your heart to make,
your sacrifices, the give and take..

You lie there sadly, and i try hard not to cry,
but to comfort and hold you, and stick by your side
you're not strong now, you're broken
you're open, and weak

your heart feels so empty, you can barely speak.
as you lie in bed crying, trying to understand why.
i whisper within me, as a part of me dies...
this heartache, this sadness, it's inevitably so..

you don't deserve feeling like this,
you try hard not to let it all show...
your fear and your madness,
i struggle to speak, to fight off all your fear here.

your sadness at it's peak
i can't fathom what you're thinking,
i can only pray that you'll see
you were much better then he had ever
ever made you out to be.

if what happened is true, truer than we'd ever expect
i hope he gets what he deserves, i hope soon enough he's a wreck
that he'll come to his senses, or receive karma in full
this young girl she is nothing, compared to you, she's just merely a tool

one who obviously knows no better,
but to fool and to cheat,
with the leftovers of someone,
she's just filled with evil and deceit.

posing beneath a smile and a false faith religion it's true,
what sickens me most, is how he failed to appreciate you.

someone so gracious and supportive,
so loving and true, this guy is but a child,
so immature, so unworthy of you...

although i know all the harsh comments,
will not make you feel better i see,
you're so much more than you make out,
you'll be better of you see...

i want you to have faith and to hold on it's true,
it's much easier to give up..
then to keep treading and seeing it through...

although love seems so distant,
and trust is far from near..
your heart needs true mending...
it needs a rest from all the fear..

the fear of trusting and loving..
and giving to easily..
your heart is still waiting...
for the one to truly love you faithfully.

i know it'll take time...
so listen carefully and know..
that God has been here beside you..
even if it barely shows..

your heart is yet fragile,
your mind is a mess
everything is hard to gather...
your feelings hard to confess..

he's absent and you're waiting..
hurting so much i see..
he has no idea what he let go of
he has no idea how he'll be..

young and so foolish,
impatient and untrue..
i wish he would've been better
much better to you..

but i can't forsee everything..
i try hard to trust and let you be..
so i'll just pray hard on the side..
and hope one day you'll finally be free..

free from all the hurt and pain
resentment and truth..
all the spite and heartache..
all the disdain from the root..

i love you so dearly.
and i cannot protect you always i know,
but i can only try to make things easier
by helping you let go..

so let go of the memories,
all your hopes and your fears
for what's done is still done now
yesterday, tomorrow and what's near...

the future and the present.
the mistakes in the past..
the smiles and happiness
the things that happened to fast..

for no reason you are at fault..
you were supportive and true
you were loving and unconditional
the best gf, you gave all of you..

but i'm sorry he was blinded,
by such worthlessness, such shame,
but you're much better than that..
and i promise he will never forget your name
or the way you made him feel
when you put forth so much effort
so much love and so much truth,
he'll discover all the things he'll be missing
all the things he had so easily with you

taken for granted, and left out to dry
his foolish heart will see through his naivety
he'll soon start to despise..
all the stupid decisions he's made
all the hurt that he's caused,
he'll realize his real worth in the world..
and how much he is flawed..

for one day he'll want to settle,
but she won't amount up you see.
to the great characteristics of your love
"the love she had for me.."
he'll think it, he'll regret it..
he's rehearse it and he'll cry..
he'll realize the things he never should've done
and he'll finally understand why.
why things can never ever be the same..
why he's no longer priority in your life.
why you've finally let him go,
down a dark hole deep inside..
so you can heal and you can better
yourself for better and for worse
your deserving husband of many years now
and you'll finally break the curse

the curse within our minds we create
and had stuck to all too well.
the curse we fear to believe in.
the truth we could barely tell..

as we hold onto what is,
and to let go of what can possibly be..
the truth just seems so restless
but the truth is,
it all relies within me...